I just closed out a doozy of a real estate transaction. And by doozy, I mean, the one that made me question my entire real estate career for the last 13 years. It was that bad. I don’t think I’ve ever worked under such stressful or hostile conditions. At every turn after the deal went south, I was afraid I was going to mess up and frequently feared I was going to be sued. Most people that have been involved in a real estate transaction know how frequently things can go wrong and how stressful it can be. This one wasn’t particularly worse or more complicated than others I’ve been involved in, but there was just something about this transaction that got under my skin and really rattled my cage. I spent the last several months (because it was a painfully long short sale) trying to figure out why. What I came up with was that it made me question my own professionalism and value I provide to others, which is something I normally really pride myself on.
As I worked through these feelings and stepped away from my pity party, I remembered that life will always throw tough situations and lessons at you and it’s all about how you handle them. “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” -Martin Luther King Jr.
The following are some lessons I had to re-learn about dealing with difficult people and situations:
1) Recognize what is within your control. Many of the things we stress about stem from not being able to control other people or events/situations. Learn to recognize what’s in your power to control and what’s not, and once you’ve identified that, let go of the latter. Many times in real estate, I’ve found the only thing I can control is my attitude or reaction to things. I turn to the serenity prayer as a reminder. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
2) Don’t allow the situation to take up space in your head – I am the type of person that will obsess about something for far too long and think about it constantly. Recently my broker and I were talking about another file and she told me not to stress out about it. My response was “I’m not really stressed about it, but I can’t stop thinking about it at the same time”. Her wise response was this; “Shawna, if something is taking up space in your head without being invited, that’s a form of stress”. Reminding myself that I’m wasting precious emotional energy and time by thinking about something I don’t want to be thinking about can be a constant battle, but the first step in changing behavior is being aware of the behavior.
3) Do not let “the mob” define your self worth. When a party to this transaction said I was doing a terrible job, instead of recognizing the insults for what they were (unfounded, irrational claims), I wondered if he was right. So I did what my generation does… I turned to Facebook to whine about my feelings being hurt. So many people contradicted what this person said about me, which made me feel better. However, ultimately I’d like to get to a space where I let professional insults just roll of my back and not affect me, or have to have others boost my ego for me. Self worth is an inside job.
4) Do not get sucked into the drama. This transaction dragged on for what seemed like forever. New details emerged almost daily and rather than viewing them from a neutral perspective, I talked about them constantly. To my poor family and friends. And I sucked them right into the drama with me, which actually created more drama. I’ve learned that the more fuel you give a fire, the stronger it will burn. Go back to #1 and take care of what needs to be done, and then STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
5) You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. This transaction was so painful primarily because of one person involved. He was threatening, rude and bullied his way through the entire transaction. My initial reaction to everything said to me was to put on the boxing gloves and come back swinging harder. But here’s the thing… bullies love a good fight. I find it’s more effective to “kill people with kindness”, rather than engage in a battle that will end up going nowhere & create more drama. You aren’t letting the other person win when you take the high road. And the high road is always the better path. Always.
I started this blog after this awful transaction. I recognized that my inability to feel peace in this tumultuous situation was actually an invitation to look at something deeper within myself. At the end of the day, I’ve grown up a little more and learned some great lessons and for that I am grateful.
Ranting Realtor 